Over the years I’ve developed a few different theories when it comes to observing people. If I ever decided to go after a Ph.D. I think I’ve got a few different things to test and look at. Still, there is one theory that I have that I give great weight to, and that is the idea that who we truly are comes through in our driving.

I’m a big believer in the idea that, “Who we truly are is how we act when we think nobody is watching.” When we are alone and there is no accountability, what do we do? How do we truly act? If there were someone else around would we say/do THAT thing? This is just one of those considerations I have that results in a lot of self-reflection. Now, I could also add the factor of a “higher power” as that incorporates the idea that we are never truly “alone” and so anything inconsistent with what we believe our character to be would have to be rationalized or excused…but that argument goes to a different place.

Anyway, the idea of that “real” us coming through in our driving has been with me for a while. One day I realized that if I looked for the time when we interact with the most people we DON’T know during the day, it would be when we’re driving. Tens of people (at least) who we don’t know passing by us, and interacting with us while following the “rules” that are expected of all of us (usually). Mass interaction with what is perceived as almost maximum anonymity.

Why do I think there is some level of anonymity perceived by us? Because we engage in things in traffic that we wouldn’t probably do if we were around the same people without cars. We sing, we pick our noses and who knows what else. But, when we’re caught in those situations…things change. I remember once when I was driving a group of friends back from 7-11 to school during our lunch one of my friends noticed the woman in the car next to us picking her nose. He was kind enough to catch her attention by mimicking the act. She was obviously not too proud of having been caught. I’m sure my friend’s exaggerated mimicking didn’t help, but my point stands.

While this isn’t exactly what I mean, I think it drives home the point of us losing that anonymity, even in a misunderstanding.


Look at how people react many times when they realize they’ve pulled a “bonehead” move in traffic. If possible many of us will drive away as quickly as we can from the place where we were “confronted”. When that person behind us hits that horn because we’re not paying attention when the light turns green, how often do we take off faster than we would have if we’d been paying attention?

Oh sure, it’s easy to rationalize that you’re going faster than normal because you’re making up the lost seconds resulting from being a space-case, but let’s be honest. You’re going faster because you lost your anonymity. You got placed on the radar. You were seen and noticed doing something that embarrassed you, and you’re trying to outrun the shame. Of course, the thing we don’t realize is that the same is coming from us, nobody else. Nobody can make you feel shame. You have to be open to generating it yourself FOR them. Unfortunate but true.

Look at how you drive when you’re late. Do you do the rational thing and make a call to say you’re running late and drive at a regular pace, or do you go faster than usual getting frustrated with others who had NOTHING to do with you being late being “obstacles” to you reaching yoru destination? Do you get more frustrated than usual with that person who isn’t going two miles over the speed limit in the left lane as opposed the five you would prefer? Be honest now.

Get in, get out. Sing our songs out loud, pick our noses, flip the bird to those who have no chance of confronting us (which always turns out bad when they do). So many things we do when we think we’re anonymous…surrounded by glass…that can usually be seen through. It simply makes no sense when you stop and think about it. We actually don’t have that anonymity. We can be seen. Our license plate can be memorized if necessary. If we drive the same roads often enough people DO know us.

Still, I think how we act/drive when the traffic conditions aren’t “ideal” brings out some elements of who we truly are that we would do well to recognize. Well, if we actually wanted to take responsibility and change any we didn’t like that is. Or we can just keep constructing our illusions of anonymity, which in today’s day and age makes about as much sense as thinking you can’t be seen in traffic.

It seems like some times things just line up a certain way. Last week I was reading up on the debt ceiling increase stuff, and of course watching things on it on 'The Daily Show'. Then, over the weekend I was having dinner with someone and they reiterated something they had stated a few days earlier, and that is that I wasn't someone who was built for the corporate world. That of course is true as many elements of the corporate world seem to reward behavior that I greatly dislike, and wouldn't you know it...so does politics. Let's face it folks, politics is a business now.

Politics was never supposed to be about what it is now. It was supposed to be a way by which people served their nation. It was supposed to be about service to others, not a way to garner things for yourself. It wasn't supposed to be a career. I have a statement that is a gross generalization about a few jobs in our society, "Politician are like lawyers and union leaders. There was a time they existed to make sure the people who were overlooked were heard, then someone decided they could gain money and power in those positions." As I said, it's a gross generalization. I know not all people in those roles are selfish bastards, but there have been enough like that over the years to poison the view of the whole.

But, back to what I was talking about. The reason I wouldn't do well in the corporate world (or one similar) is that I don't like playing "the game". I despise it. I realize that I am idealistic and sometimes it may have to be played for a greater good, but I still dislike it. Now, the reason I despise it isn't just because it represents so much that I think is wrong with society. I despise it because I know I could play it. And I know I could play it well. Remember, I said, "I don't like playing 'the game'", I didn't say that I didn't know how. I've gone to a part of me that can play it, and I don't like it. It's connected to the part of me that goes into the heads of others and figures out their personalities. It picks up the subtleties of their words, their tone, and their body language. Those who know me well know I have the ability to see things in others that they don't see in themselves. We all have it. I think sometimes mine just works in overdrive.

Anyway, the game uses that part of me in a way I don't like. It results in the more cold and calculating part of me (what I refer to as my "engineering brain") using information gathered by my emotional side. I remember when I was in RYSC I was told (as I was one of my group's "Team Leaders") that I should look at stepping into the leader role more, and being a professional version of myself rather than my goofy self. When the group had a tough decision to make about a member staying part of the team (a choice I didn't believe we should have been making), that "engineering brain" part of me popped out. It was curt. It was to the point. It had nothing to do with emotion. It had everything to do with logic, and it understood the lack of warmth it was displaying. At the end of that day I asked the person who told me to be the professional what they thought of that part of me (as they had now seen it). They stated I may have freaked some people out. Years later I would have a conversation with that same person about how people I used to work with were frustrated with things they thought I had set in motion. I had set nothing in motion. I read the players. I read the environment. I made the calls of how I believed things would play out. That's what happened. I told that person at that time, "If they don't want to be pissed at me, they should stop proving me right."

So, why did I mention the politics? Because the game is being played...and the people usually playing others are getting lost. I'm talking about the politicians. Many of them are fighting idealogical battles and they're still getting railed on. A new wave of Republicans were put into office largely due to financial concerns, and they're doing what they said they would do...and they're getting nailed for it. They don't understand why. All the information is there. They just won't see it because they're too caught up in ideology, and it's keeping them from seeing the ripples.

Let me explain.

First, I don't know of a single person who wants to pay higher taxes. But there are people (such as myself) that would be willing to do so because they believe they are able and we see it as doing our part to help the country out of lurch. Please be aware, being WILLING doesn't mean I WANT. Those are two different things, and that's part of what the talking heads are missing. I've had to explain this to others when I say I'm "willing" to pay higher taxes for a time. They tend to respond with, "Well, I don't want to." To which I remind them I never used the word "want". That usually results in a short-term brain glitch for them. They have to look at the terms.

Second, there were some words that I heard Michael Moore speak years ago in an interview. I can't remember who the interview was with, but I remember something he said. The interviewer asked him why he thought people (at that time) didn't want to raise taxes on the rich (polls showed it wasn't wanted by the majority). Michael Moore had a good answer. He said he believed it was due to many of us holding the belief and hope that some day we ourselves would be rich, and said it made no sense for us to "punish" the group we wanted to be a part of. His response was quick, to the point and reading what was under the numbers. A guess on his part, but in my mind it made sense.

Third, much of our current debate on the debt ceiling sphere has been what to cut. One of those things looking at feeling the sting of cuts is Medicare. And that's what changed the game in my opinion.

You see, if you look at older generations I think you'll find people who are much more astute about their finances. They have paid their part, and they expect their due. There has been some wrangling on Medicare cuts to attempt to make it so that adjustments will be felt more by those who come later, than those who are using it now. That's great to appease older voters (which it doesn't seem to be doing), but not younger ones.

This is where my second and third points collide. You see, we can all hope we will be rich. We can all believe we can move up to that higher bracket. There is nothing wrong with that. It may help motivate some to do that which helps them accomplish that goal. But, deep inside...everyone with that hope knows it's a hope. Getting older though...that's a fact. Needing the help of Medicare...much more likely than getting into that top bracket. There is a difference between believing and knowing. Whether we're conscious of it or not...we process that information. I think what people know is starting to give way to what people believe.

That shift takes me back to my first point, being willing or able to pay higher taxes for a time. Now that some people have aligned themselves with those who will need Medicare more than those who are rich...suddenly you aren't punishing a group you might be a part of. You're trying to ensure the "fair" treatment of a group you know you'll be a part of (someone who is of an age to qualify for Medicare).

Some politicians are just not seeing this. I think more Democrats are than Republicans are. I honestly think Obama sees this. The man is not stupid. Republicans are playing the short game to give back to those who put them in power, but some of those people have now changed what they expect...and the Republicans are clueless. I told an online friend a few weeks back that there was a good chance that Obama could be a one-term president because as with the first Bush, he wasn't keeping promises. But, this debt ceiling thing could wipe that out.

Today when I was watching 'The O'Reilly Factor' Bill O'Reilly brought up a poll where Obama loses to a generic Republican candidate (I've read similar polls). Juan Williams (I'm seeing this guy more often and I'm liking him) immediately brought up the fact that against REAL Republicans, Obama wins. He reminded O'Reilly that this supposed generic Republican doesn't exist, and the real candidates don't measure up. Williams understood the emotional part of the poll and its impacts. O'Reilly didn't.

People who thought they could play the game are being played...by the game. It's changed and they're clueless. The thing is...this concerns me. Why? Because I think I see what they don't. And that just reminds me that while I don't like "the game", it doesn't mean I couldn't play it. And play it well.

I'm scared of that part of myself.

OK, I've decided I need to start blogging again to empty my head. Please excuse my performance in this one. It's going to take me a while to get "back to form". However, I must deal with this stuff as my ponderings of it directly impact what will come up next.

I’ve been reading the news (and watching it) for the past week in regards to the situation going on in Wisconsin and other places in the US regarding unions. For me, it’s a combination of issues. It’s not as simple as some people are trying to make it. It includes (but isn’t limited to) the following:

• Are the protests in WI similar to those in Cairo?


• A governor is attempting to cut costs to help a state’s budget.


• Do public unions have too much power?

Here is a Daily Show clip that covers this stuff (and more) pretty well. Yes, sarcasm abounds.



Do all these different issues connect? Sure as heck they do. Unfortunately trying to deal with them as a lump sum doesn’t get anything done. It’s an attempt to take care of things simply that are complex. It’s not going to work.

Are the protests in WI similar to those in Cairo?
Now, I commented on Facebook last that WI and Cairo were not similar. You can see that The Daily Show pretty much feels the same (5:30 on the above video). It’s not the same, it’s not even close. Regardless of which “side” you’re on in the debate please don’t compare it to people fighting for democracy in their nation. If you think they’re the same, you’re an idiot.

A governor is attempting to cut costs to help a state’s budget.
Scott Walker was just recently elected to office, as was a Republican majority (in WI). I gotta say there is a part of me that wants to say, “Shut up constituents, you made your bed and now you gotta lie in it.” You do realize that right now your collective (pun intended) asses are being protected by the same party that YOU chose to get rid of, right? And the best protection they can provide you with…is running away. This isn’t civil discussion. Sure, it’s not violent rhetoric, either. However, when a government (state or federal) has people whose best argument of opposition is, “Na, na, na-na, na! You can’t make me!”…I’m thinking you’ve got many more problems coming down the line. Oh, and don’t tell me that it’s the only way things are going to get done. You don’t want the changes rammed down your throat? Well, there were a lot of people that didn’t want the recent health care changes rammed down their throat, and the Democrats did just that, because they had the number. Don’t get all hypocritical on me now people.

Do public unions have too much power?
Do public unions have too much power? Well, that’s a tough one. I see benefits and negatives regarding unions in general. There is a bit of a problem with what I am seeing in a specific argument though, and that’s people saying that their problem isn’t with unions, it’s with PUBLIC unions. They’re fine with private unions. The issue with public unions for them is that those unions (in their minds) use their taxes. The thing is the same pretty much applies to private unions.

If private unions are able to obtain higher wages for their members then the prices of something likely has to go up (services or products). Just because you aren’t TOLD it happens doesn’t mean it doesn’t. It does. That’s a fact. Do some reading on why some jobs are heading to other countries. You won’t have to dig long.

Some stores/companies have unions and some of what they get for their members impacts the prices of what those stores/companies produce/sell. For anyone to say otherwise is ignorance at best, avoidance of reality at worst. So, if you make it about your money as opposed to specifically your taxes (which is your money), it’s pretty much the same thing when you stop and actually look. But, people don’t want to have to do that. That takes time and energy (and thinking, which hurts for some). I could deal more with people disliking unions as a whole. The idea that only public unions are hurting the government’s finances or their personal pocket book is crap.

This financial situation has been brewing for a while. It’s gone across administrations. We’re in trouble financially as a country, some parts more than others. People made the choices they did during the last election to put people into places to make things “right”. Those elected are doing what they’re doing in order to accomplish that. If you think they’re going too far, then by all means say something. However, make sure you stay on target. Keep your focus. Make sure people hear the specifics. Don’t do things that will result in people questioning your motives. If you do that you’ll be demonized after you get caught doing something stupid. Like this (4:30 forward is what I’m talking about):



Yes, this plays in too. Unfortunately, it’s once again another issue that affects the larger one.

The other day at work a co-worker was talking to a group about how they were coming along on working with each other. After a member of the group made their comments my co-worker remarked that it sounded like the group was definitely “tempering” themselves. When a member of the group asked him to clarify what he meant my co-worker remarked that they appeared to be working out the things they had to in order to refine themselves as a group.

I immediately had an epiphany in the idea that this is exactly what I have been going through lately. Not only lately, but at various times in my life, and I really don’t believe I’m the only one. Of course, me being me I had to go and read up on the process of how swords are forged (because that’s where my mind went). I also didn’t just read up on swords, I read up on Japanese swords because something in me told me I also had to understand the folding process that was used in the forging of their swords. While my knowledge is far from “deep” as I’ve only read a small amount, I did find what I needed to gain a better grasp of the things that were going on in me below the surface of awareness.

I found it interesting that in my eyes the overall process comes into three things. The metal is fired so that it can be worked with, it is folded many times to get rid of the impurities, and then there is a true final forging in which the sword’s final form is set. On top of that there are also three types of steel used in the swords. There doesn’t have to be, but it is usually the case. There is soft steel, medium steel and hard steel. Each has a role to play in the overall effectiveness of the sword.

I found it pretty amusing that there kept being sets of three popping up, but then again when I look at a person the same holds true. We are (in my mind) beings composed in simplest terms of a mind, body and soul (or heart if you prefer). For me this also extends to the three kinds of steel used in the sword. Of course, you must decide which aspect of you is your soft, medium and hard steel.

A point that I found interesting was that before the final form of the sword is forged the separate metals are worked with and some of the metal is purposely broken in order to free it from slag. You see, for me sometimes things need to be broken. It’s one of the ways you find weak points, deal with them, fix them or use those pieces in order to form something stronger, as with the sword. Does all of this metaphor end with the different types of steel and how sometimes elements of the sword must be broken before it can achieve its final form? No. Not even close.

A friend of mine used to refer to the things in life that can push us, hurt us and make us question ourselves as “life’s fire.” At least that is how I always took her references to “life’s fire.” Unfortunately I won’t be hearing her expansions or understanding on that concept anymore, but for now I’m using what she shared and finding how it applies in my own life and this metaphor.

We must be fired. We must be heated. Unfortunately we aren’t metal. When we are placed into the heat of life’s fire we are uncomfortable. We are burned. We are sometimes hurt. Still, that fire is something we must be exposed to just as the elements of a sword must be, because we cannot be folded until we are fired.

Once fired and in the proper state the metal of the sword becomes malleable so that it can be pounded, stretched and folded. The folding removes the impurities in the metal. The same can be said of us. We must be pounded, stretched and folded so that the “impurities” in our body mind and soul can be worked out. Again though, we are people. We are alive, and so this process is not comfortable in the least. The pounding hurts us, the stretching feels as though it will take us to our limits and pull us apart, and the folding can feel as though it will crush us. And we go through this process over and over. It never gets any less painful, but I do believe it can become more tolerable. It’s comes down to a Buddhist proverb, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Now that we have been fired and folded we have one piece left, being forged into our final form.

In the final forging the sum of all the sword’s parts are put together. The same is with us. However, as I said before we are human. As such we have a choice of which elements of us will be where. Our mind, body and soul can work together in the fashion we wish if we take the time to look and understand ourselves. If we don’t take the time to understand ourselves then when we finally pull ourselves together we may not “work” the way we had hoped. Then where do we go? Do we give up on our potential and what we can do? Do we discard ourselves as a flawed being? Do we admit that we are not done and that despite the pain and discomfort we must once again be fired and folded? That elements of us must perhaps be broken? What are the consequences if we don’t experience the process again when we find we are not what we hoped to be? Worse yet, what happens when we find we did not become that which we KNOW we can be, or should be?

For me, this is where I am now. I have been fired. I have definitely been burned and felt the pain. I have been hurt by the pounding, felt the as though the stretching would pull me apart and felt crushed by the folding. I had tried to pull my pieces together and found I was not happy with what I was seeing come together. For a time recently I felt as though discarding myself by giving up on my potential. I had let my pain become suffering. Worse yet, at a time when I was hurting the most I lashed out. It was only an instant, but it was there. Ironically it was at the person who taught me about “life’s fire” in more ways than one. Finally though, things snapped back into place. Within that I will share one more thing I learned about the firing process of the sword.

If the steel cools too quickly after being fired it becomes very hard, but brittle. That’s where I was. I had become hardened, and interestingly I had also become brittle…and I was well aware of it. I didn’t like that brittleness, and that’s why I lashed out. I blamed. There is also the other aspect though. What happens when the steel cools too slow? What happens when the heat of life’s fire continues too long? The steel bends easily and it cannot hold an edge. I fear there may be some people in my life that have gone to this place. Life’s fire is no longer helping them forge themselves. They are bending easy to things they could stand up to. They cannot hold the edge they wish to hold.

In either case (me or those I know) we are not who we thought we would be or who we know we are. I am lucky in that I have once again chosen to embrace the firing and folding process. It’s not easy. It is uncomfortable. It can be painful on so many levels, especially as one of the elements of firing is gone. It was something that I really thought was helping to bring out the “better” in me. Still, I know I need this process as it is. Life’s fire isn’t about what we want, it’s about what we need. It gives us the opportunity to let us work out our “impurities” and our flaws. We just have to embrace what comes with the process. It’s not comfortable, not in the least, but it can bring us closer (or back) to who we are and what we want and need in our life to be truly happy.

I just felt like writing all of this down because something in me tells me that some of you out there that read my thoughts and ramblings might find a little something in it that helps you. If that helps you find the right fire or cooling process, then all the better. In the least I hope it was entertaining.

Not being stagnant is a difficult thing. While change is the only constant in life, I find that I believe that we as people tend to fight it. We can easily become complacent with what we have. We believe that we have achieved all that we can, we are not capable of more...or worse yet...that we don't deserve more. Without that fire in our lives we don't seek out that which makes us happy. Be it our occupation, our fun, or even worse...our love...whatever it is.

I have been fortunate in my life that the choices I have made in regards to my occupation have always propelled me forward. I thought I would be an electrical engineer and I realized that my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't be someone sitting behind a desk hoping that the things I did would have a positive impact upon the world. I had to be doing things directly. I had to be interacting with people, which considering my introvert nature actually seems contradictory, but it isn't. I think it is that nature that makes me stand back and look at people and try to understand them, not to pick their brains, but to try and actually connect with them on something other than a superficial level. I believe there is more to us than these physical shells we have. For me there has to be. There has to be meaning for my existence other than being born to die. I don't expect others to share this belief, I never have. Yet, I have found I am hit upon in my life for not having such definition to my belief as to associate it with an organized religion or philosophy AND I am also hit up for daring to believe there is something greater than "this." Believe me, after spending years having people attempting to have me take on their outlook of religion...many atheists are the same. I know attempts at conversion, and they can come from both sides. Frankly I think close-minded atheists are worse than close minded religious people, for they truly don't see their behavior. At least religious people tend to justify attempts at conversion through an attempt to "save" me.

So, what is this? Simple. This post is about me trying to understand why I am. That is where I am now in my life. Now that I am 35 I joke that I am half-way to statistically dead. Yet, that is nothing compared to the fact that I am still seeking my meaning.

No, this isn't some "midlife crisis." I tend to go with one of my instructors from my Master's program and I believe that there is no such thing as a mid-life crisis. It is merely a time when we look back and reflect on our life. I don't care if you're male or female. If you have an active mind and heart you will have this experience. Chances are you will have it multiple times in your life. I have had one of these before. It was when I transitioned out of my "anger" that I carried so much. It was after that time that I found my teachers. Through them I learned martial arts and meditation. I achieved levels of personal growth I never imagined myself being capable of. I grew a backbone. I became more self-assured and self-aware. I am happy to have never needed the use of the martial arts I've learned at that time or any other. The closest things I've had to a fight is trying to get someone's keys away from them before they tried to drive after drinking way too much. A forehead driven into an Escalade was as bad as it got, and I didn't mean to do that. I just tried to take him to his knees and when he resisted I accidentally spun him. At least we got the keys.

Right now I am at another point of awareness. My mind and heart have drifted back to a point shortly after the time I was peaking in my training. I was able to envision then the kind of woman I wanted in my life. The problem was I didn't think at that time that I deserved such a woman. So, when I drifted away from that person I was then so did I drift away from the image of what I wanted. Now I have found it again. The difference this time is that I believe I deserve such a woman. I have spent my life largely living for others. Doing what I can for them. This is not me saying that I deserve due to some kind of equivalent exchange. This is me saying that I never realized how much I didn't do for me. I didn't follow one of my personal phrases that I used to share with the kids, "It's OK to look out for number one as long as you're not purposely treating others like number two...if you get my meaning." Well, I was treating others like number one...and myself like number two...like shit.

I'm not going back to that place. I won't, because I finally know and believe that I deserve better. I realized this a short time ago, that I actually and truly believed this when I was having an IM session with a friend. I told her that she deserved to be happy and that we were both great catches and we deserved to be loved. I don't think I'd ever truly talked about myself like that until that instance. It was a bit of a shock.

Now, while I attribute much of this to my recent muse in my life I know I have to hold this feeling...and it's tough. You see, when you find such a person every fiber of your being tells you to hold on. Don't let go. You'll lose yourself. Yet, that is what I'm seeking. To lose myself a little in that right woman. As I've said before...maybe she's in my life already...maybe she isn't. I know what I hope at this moment, but I also have to give the universe its opportunity to show me what it needs to show me. My life over the past two years has not been accidentall. There is too much connection between these major decisions I have made. All my moves, pauses and choices...they have brought me here.

Right now I am just in a tough spot. I don't want to move...I want to wait. But if I do...I have to wonder what I might lose.

I have a lot of life left in me and I want it to be great. Not good, great. I want to have many more adventures. I'm getting my body to a point to where it can do more. I believe shortly I will return my mind and spiritual parts back to where they were strongest and perhaps take them to an even higher level. Still, I have to have a meaning for doing this that is greater than simply doing it. For me it's about finding the right woman to do it with.

I know who I am is OK. I know who I am is great. I will find someone who accepts me for me and actually wants me as I am. I will still change, for anyone worth being with will have that affect on me, but it will be shared. It will not be forced...it will be two people growing together to become something greater...together.

I must sort my mind out. I must sort my heart out. I know what my heart wants, but I do not know if it is what the universe has in store for me. As I move forward things will come over the horizon. Perhaps that thing I fear moving past will come over it. I will find that where I am now is not where I need to be THEN. That it is the then that I am moving towards and will contain what I am supposed to have in my life.

Giving of yourself unconditionally is a difficult thing. Yet, it is a good thing. It has shown me that I can be truly open. I have found I can also be truly accepted. Now I must find who will make me feel truly wanted.

My being is very complex. There are things that I don't tell everyone, there are things that I have hardly told anyone. Yet, the woman who I am with will known all of this. She may even know things about me that I don't. But I will be accepted.

To reach that point though I cannot be stagnant. My life here needs more or it will be no life at all. It is barely such as it is. I exist, but it is largely because I refuse to give up. I want to live because I refuse to stop. I want that inspiration to grow and become better than stronger than I am. I don't wish to be stagnant.

Talking about world events and society is nice, but this way I am writing now...this is life. This is living. Trying to find what I am looking for. What I deserve.

It's amazing sometimes how things just start clicking. Today was one of those days.

During a meeting with my work group we were reviewing concepts that we teach. I'm not going to go into detail because it would probably be confusing as heck. What it boils down to though is that we work with our guys (veterans) on how to deal with and understand how their brain works. What my supervisor has been finding lately is there is a shared theme of things that we seek out in life. The things that make our life "better" and give it "meaning" and "value" or whatever terms you prefer. The thing is these shared themes have been in existence for quite some time. She has read books that make reference to the concepts being back in the B.C. era. She has also found them in Asian philosophy/religion (depending on how you classify it). They just existed as different terms.

I combined that information in my mind with a question a vet posed recently. That question was something like, "So, life is just a series of mismatches?" And you know what, it is. You see (here is a little knowledge) a "mismatch" as we use it is simply something like what you want and what you're getting don't match up, or what you believe IS and what REALLY is don't match up. They aren't bad, they just are. I look at that now, combined with the idea of Asian philosophies that follow the thought that life is suffering...and I find that it is...if you see suffering as a mismatch. The things that we see as incorrect or wrong in the world, or when we have to face that our assumptions are incorrect (sometimes to our pleasant surprise...if not joyful surprise).

You see, if life was "perfect" we wouldn't get off our sorry butts. We would sit. We would stagnate. We gain our pleasure and fun in life by fixing the things that are wrong, or finding out that the negative belief we had was wrong. We experience stress, but that's a good thing. Stress is used to solve problems. Distress is another deal. That's not so good and we deal with that in a different fashion.

So where am I going with all of this? It has to do with what has been a big part of my life lately, and that is finding happiness.

You see, for a short time in my life I knew what I wanted in a woman. Then I forgot. I got caught up in "making due" with this and that. I started to say that a woman who accepted me was all I wanted. Well, that's crap. I didn't know it then, but that's crap.

I recently read a small article on how when we're looking for the right person we have to be willing to take 80% of what we want at times, the reason being that nobody is perfect. If we get caught up looking for perfection...well...good luck on that. Looking back now I found that I was unknowingly focused on the 20% I didn't want, not only that...I was wrong in how I saw it. Let me explain.

You see, one of my phrases/theories I've held on to for quite a while is that everyone has baggage, but the key is finding someone who doesn't have the Samsonite luggage the gorilla can't beat up. The reason being that if a gorilla couldn't put a dent in it then it's sure as hell likely that you aren't going to. First, a recent search shows my memory is bad as it was actually American Tourister luggage and it wasn't necessarily a gorilla. You can see the commercial I remember from my childhood here. Second...what the hell was I thinking? OF COURSE you can deal with a person with serious baggage. Chances are it was dealing with people at some point in their life that resulted in them carrying that stuff with them as they do. Having someone who is willing to share the burden with them might just be exactly what they need to get rid of it. Is it risky to you if you choose to do it? Sure. There is no guarantee that that person is ready to work on the big issue, there is no guarantee you can help them with the issue. Still, what are we supposed to do in situations like that? Leave people to work it out on their own? That flies in the face of everything I believe in. YET, I never noticed my own inconsistency.

This all kind of "clicked" today because of a scene in the US remake of My Sassy Girl. It's a pretty good bastardization of the original...but they did try, and there are many points in the movie worth watching. In once such scene the lead character Charlie is discussing reasons to not see Jordan (the female lead) with his friend. One of the reasons he gives is, "Fourteen-piece matched set of Louis Vuitton emotional baggage." He had eight reasons total not to see her. The number of reasons to keep seeing her? One. "I'm in love with her."

You see that is where I was, and didn't realize it. While I had these small ideas of what not to see/date/whatever...they were only a small piece of what could be an overall picture. Yet, that is where my mind resided, in the small percentage of things that could POSSIBLY cause problems. What I had forgotten for so long was the one thing Charlie was fully aware of. If you find someone to love...someone that you can truly give yourself to fully...the one reason trumps all others.

Now, I'm not talking about major issues such as excusing physical or emotional abuse. That's just ridiculous, so don't even go there. I'm talking about the kinds of things that Charlie talks about. Which when you look at the things he says...it's all stuff that takes him out of his comfort zone. It doesn't just take him out...it yanks him out. Yet, that is what he needs. What he sees is that all these things in her that draw him to her make those other things unimportant in the greater scheme.

What has happened in my life recently is that I finally remembered what it was that I was looking for. Then, as I stood back to proudly take in this list and be happy I had finally put it back up in a well lit area I could see...I got blindsided. I stepped back to look at this list of this "ideal" woman...and such a woman bowled me over. Funny thing is that she was in my life for quite some time...I just didn't know it. The reason? The eye can't see what the mind/heart doesn't understand. She had been in my life for a couple of years. Maybe the signs had been there...that she held so much in her...but I didn't see it. Once my heart woke up not only did my eyes see it...I felt it...with my entire being. That takes me to another good line in the US remake of My Sassy Girl.

"Once in your life, if you are very lucky you will meet the person who divides it into the time before you met her and the time after."

That is what this woman is to me. Regardless of what comes "after" my life is now forever divided. I can't go back. I simply cannot. My life before is gone. In so many ways even unrelated to her it is gone. Still, she is the marker. My life from this point forward will forever be divided into the B.H. and A.H. eras. How do I know this? Well, that goes to another quote from the movie.

"Some days with her were...painful. But hours without her were even worse."

Now there is a large difference between what Charlie is talking about here and what I experience. My pain during the days with her is due to distance, not her beating the snot out of me with a bamboo Kendo sword. And because of our limited contact due to the current state of the world I find I'm not in a worse place in hours, but in days. OK, sometimes it's hours too.

Still all of this continues to move things forward. The little "weird" things that pop up don't have affects on Charlie. The reason? In my mind it's that Jordan accepts him, and in turn...he accepts her. For all the wacky, crazy...painful things that happen to him while they are together...he accepts her, because what she brings to his life in the form of happiness greatly outweighs any of those other things.

Of course, to be fair I think I should include a quote from Jordan in all of this.

Just think of it as me saving you from yourself.

This has to do with a situation that has some pretty big consequences for Charlie. For me...has has to do with...well, my thinking. I have told a few people that this woman I speak of saved me. I say that because she did, and she saved me from myself. I wasn't in the best of places before the start of this past holiday season (which included my birthday) but thanks to her I had a good holiday season. I had a great one. She was there for me when I needed someone, and she let me be there for her when she needed someone. It's a role I'm happy to have had and if I'm lucky I'll continue to have as time goes on.

Yet, in the end the movie and my situation come down to a thought and phrase I find recurring in me often lately. That being the one I had expressed before. The eyes cannot see what the heart/mind does not know. It means that there must be some work done by me. There has to be some work done by you if you are ever going to find that thing you wish to have in your life. You have to believe that it can happen. You have to put in work. You cannot sit down on your laurels and simply hope it will happen. That is what I did for much of my life in finding a woman that made me truly happy. I sat around hoping. Hope is good, but it will only get you so far.

I think Charlie's final words speak well to what must be done beyond hope.

"And as for the question of destiny...all I know is that even when destiny really wants to accomplish something it can't do it alone. You still have to go to that restaurant. You still have to show up. You still have to build a bridge...to the one you love."

If it's love. If it's a goal. If it's a dream. If it's all of them, you still have to DO something. I truly believe this and I have found comfort in it. My story (our story) is still not done. I don't know if it ever will be. Still, I know I have done things and I know I will do more. To what degree I cannot say. I still have to work within the confines of reality, but reality is fairly wide when you stop and look and there are many possibilities.

If you haven't seen the original Korean version of My Sassy Girl then I'd say check out the US version. It's not nearly as good, but they do some things with the male lead that you don't see in the Korean version. It really does help balance a few things out.

Oh, and don't forget to build your bridge.

This 14th it comes again. So of course comes the rant.

Yes, February 14th is Emotional Blackmail Day (as a friend of mine once called it). Yeah, I know it's Valentine's Day, but frankly I can't stand it. Sure, it's fair to say that some of my distaste of the holiday may be due to the fact that I've pretty much spent every one of them by myself. However, I know that even if I was fortunate enough to have a woman in my life that I was able to give my affections to, I'd still dislike the day.

Roland Martin wrote a commentary that was up on CNN.com today that hit largely on my main concern. My concern is that if you are lucky enough to have a special someone in your life then why the hell would you make that day so special? I mean, come on. There are more important days that you can celebrate together. An anniversary (I'm sure many couples have a number of them), a birthday, all kinds of stuff. Better yet, what makes THAT holiday the day to show affection?

Perhaps it's the idealist in me but I honestly believe that when I am finally with the woman I'm supposed to be with that there will be something about her that cannot stop me from wanting to show her every day that she is special and the most important thing in my life. Does it mean that I will do it everyday? Probably not. I'm not stupid. But I hope that on a day I forget because I'm busy, tired, stupid, or an ass (yeah, I'm sure it will happen at some point) that the very next day I will have this feeling in my gut that says "You forgot to remind/show her yesterday what she means to you."

You see, the thing that frustrates me so much about how society at large (at least in the US) seems to view Valentine's Day is that if you do nothing to show the person you love that you love them, then you're a heartless bastard (or some other such label). HOWEVER, if you go out and make this big production of it...your love is as special as everyone else that makes a big production that day. Wow, I'm just overwhelmed with the feeling of "uniqueness" that I would be showering on the woman I care for.

Now, this isn't to say I think people who want to celebrate the day are asses or idiots. Believe me, I'm the one who always spends it alone so I really don't think it's fair for me to throw out labels like that when I'm not even able to find a woman to spend that day with if I wanted. If you want to do something that day, then fine, do it. But I would ask of you that you don't look down on me or anyone like me who doesn't see Valentines Day as "special" or the day you're "supposed" to show the person you love that you love them. I honestly believe that every day is that day if you're lucky enough to find someone to give your love to and who will give you their love back. Call it cheezy, but in my mind that is the greatest gift you can give anyone. Your heart.

Again, perhaps I am biased in that because of the fact that I can't seem to find the woman who wants that gift from me and who wishes to give me that gift. I have hope and faith that I will find her (as I said in my previous post) if she isn't already in my life. Still, the distaste I have for Emotional Blackmail Day is secondary to the sadness I feel when I think about the fact that I will once again be spending it by myself. Like every other day. Do you see a bit more now why I believe that every day is the day to show that special someone you care? Believe me, when you spend enough time alone, you come to look forward to the time you will no longer have to do that. OK, maybe that's me. Maybe that's what I need in my life. Actually I know that's what I need in my life. Possessions, money, fame, etc., are all far down the ladder as to what I want in my life. I'm glad I have what it takes to keep my life going, but I'm not really "living," I'm surviving. I'm surviving each day hoping that the next sunrise will bring with it over the horizon the woman I've been looking for for so long.

I do have something to celebrate this 14th though. No, it's not the fact that it's preceded by Friday the 13th (though I will admit to a small bit of amusement found in that fact). It's a recognition of something that has brought me a large bit of happiness. I will likely recognize that date as a sort of anniversary of a change in my life, a change for the better. After this time though the ways of dates and anniversaries will not align so that I can recognize that date on February 14. I won't say more than that. Perhaps someday I can explain all of this. OK, I can explain it all now but I'm not going to.

I guess the question becomes what will I feel when I awake the 14th. Will I feel sad I am alone, angry that I continue to be alone, fearful that I will always be alone, or desire to no longer be alone? Will I run through all? I guess I'll find out on the 14th.

I will cross my fingers for the 13th though. For most of my life Friday the 13th has been my "lucky day." Perhaps it is because I chose long ago not to follow the idea that one such day could hold such bad luck and so I'm able to cash in on all the positivity everyone abandons that day. Of course, this year the day after is when I will likely abandon my positivity. Does that qualify as irony?

Well, if you're lucky enough to have someone to care about or love and wish to show them how special they are to you on the 14th then I do sincerely wish you the best of luck in your endeavors and that you are able to bring forth and feel the joy you wish for. I would give each of who can do so a challenge though. Try to show that person you love that you love them many more days of the year. Do it when they least expect it. Do it when YOU least think of it. Why not spread that affection wide across the calendar? Don't just look at one day. There are 365 days in the year to replicate that show of affection and every leap year you have an extra day to show that love.

All the days of the year are important to show that person your love. Take it from someone who wishes he had even one day to share such a thing.

I just saw Slumdog Millionaire this past weekend. The other weekend a friend of mine talked to me about it and really talked it up. I didn't have a lot going on this weekend and for some reason the thought of seeing the movie popped into my head Saturday night. I decided I would go and check out the first showing on Sunday.

I am someone who doesn't tend to keep up with a lot of the film hype that is on TV and the internet. So, while I had heard OF the movie being good I didn't pay it much mind until my friend talked about it. Her taste in movies is pretty unique as elements of mine are (though I'm sure I have a fondness for some mainstream stuff she doesn't). When a movie like this, which in many situations would be off the beaten path, comes up I find myself fortunate to have the opportunity to see it. I'm really lucky it's gone into such a large distribution. I'm sure it would have been in Ashland regardless though.

While I don't want to spoil anything that is in the movie for those of you who haven't seen it I will say that I really do think it's something that people should see. If you're like me and you believe (or hope) that there are thing in this world that are destined to be then you should check it out. The movie is great overall too though. Good acting, good story, GREAT music. I went and snagged the soundtrack right after I got out of the movie. Many of you know how much I like movie scores and this one was good. My friend really likes "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. but the song that really got me was "Jai Ho", which is the final song that plays over the start of the end credits and during which you see an obviously Bollywood inspired end piece.

So, why does the move in it's essence connect with me? It's actually very simple. The past 3 years (almost 4) have really been, for me, about there being something greater to life than random chance. Is it destiny? I'm starting to believe so. Unlike the lead character Jamal I was not fortunate to have my soul mate placed before me early and clearly. Many of you may scoff at that concept, but I don't. It is both uplifting and frightening to think that there may be one person out there that we are "destined" to be with. Why? Simple, because if we lose them...it's on us. I guess I don't believe completely in the idea that people can be destined to be together permanently. That is my inconsistency many see with me also believing in a soul mate. I think there is a woman I'm supposed to be with, but I also believe I have to put in the effort to connect with her and hold her in my life. For me to believe that we're just "supposed" to be together could have a negative cascade of taking her for granted. I've been that jerk. I don't want to be that jerk again and if I can find the woman I'm supposed to be with I'll be damned if I'll be that jerk again.

I kinda sidestepped a bit there, didn't I? You're probably wondering what has happened over the past few years that had brought me more in line with my belief that there is something more meaningful going on than randomness? Here it is:

When I left my old job I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I left because I could no longer take being a part of an organization that I believed was hypocritical, telling members of the community how to fix their problems (or possible ones) while being unable to fix their own. I couldn't do it. I still remember the night I handed in my resignation though. It was the best sleep I had experienced in months. Still, there were consequences that would follow. It wasn't easy to find work at all. I had a Master's degree and ended up working security. Then I was fortunate enough to find a more meaningful job taking care of someone in the final time of their life. In all of that though I was able to attend a ropes course training that I believed would increase my skill set and give me an opportunity to give back to the course I worked on and those I worked with. It didn't turn out that way though. Oh well.

Still, something else did happen. I had this feeling I should take my resume to that training, and I did. As it turned out I met a man there from a VA facility here in Oregon who knew that they were going to need a facilitator soon. I offered him my resume and hoped to see him again. Oh, and if I hadn't pushed through one of my greatest fears of asking my family for financial help I would not have been able to attend the training due to financial reasons.

Shortly before all of that happened I bought myself an Xbox 360. Before then I had always played on my roommates' and shortly before that I had used his account. Once he got an HD TV for his room he moved his Xbox in there. So, while I wasn't earning any money I still bought a 360. I thought it was not a smart thing to do, but one day while I was in Best Buy I heard that same voice that said to take my resume that I should get a 360 and that it would all be OK. Yes, this will have meaning later.

So, I worked my jobs (security and hospice-type care) and I finally got contacted about applying for the job. I sent my stuff in. Here is the weird part though, I sent it in at the wrong time. Due to how hiring works here there is usually a first round of preferred individuals (current government employees and vets) and then a second public round. Anyway, my stuff got sent in at the wrong time. Somehow it ended up in the right hands though. While it didn't technically "count" my stuff was held on to and then I was contacted when the time was right so I could finish out a few things. Basically with two different departments talking to me (without knowing it) I was able to land my job here.

Unfortunately (as it seemed for so long) I ended up in a place with a good job but wasn't conducive to a single 30-something fining a meaningful personal life. For two years I tried to figure out what to do with myself, and couldn't seem to do so. My 360 however turned out to be a sanity factor for me. I really don't think I would have survived down here if it wasn't for it. I was able to keep my "virtual" friends that I had back home and keep interacting with them the same way. No replacement for real-life friends, but they are still people I can spend time with and have fun with.

I finally decided to give dating a try through the use of an online service (I won't say which). Nothing came of it other than me remembering during that time what I had forgotten for so long, which was the exact kind of woman that I had been looking for. I knew it a long time ago when I was more heavily into martial arts and more importantly meditation. I think I connected with that part of me that knew what was out there for me also looking for me and what I would truly be happy with. Unfortunately, I didn't find it. Or did it?

As luck would have it a few months back a few goofy messages ended up in a lengthy conversation with one of my 360 friends. Turned out this woman and I had a lot in common, probably more than I have ever had in common with another woman. I crushed, she crushed. Since then things have gone up and down and right now we seem to be really good friends. Will more come? I don't know. I know what I hope for, but I also know that it is what I hope for today. And all of this ties into the idea of a soul mate or that person we are destined to be with. Is it her? I REALLY don't know, but I do know that what I've looked for for so long has to be out there. It's at least in her, so even if it isn't her she does provide me proof that it is possible. How does all of this tie in together?

If I hadn't quit my job I wouldn't have had the availability to go to the ropes course training. If I hadn't gotten over my fear of asking my family for financial support I wouldn't have gone to that ropes course training. If I hadn't gone to that ropes course training I wouldn't have met the man from the VA. If I hadn't met the man from the VA I wouldn't have known or heard about the job opening. If I hadn't heard of the job opening I wouldn't have applied. If I hadn't applied I wouldn't be down here. If I wasn't down here and I didn't buy my 360 at a time it made no financial sense to do so I wouldn't have likely had a more meaningful contact/communication with this woman who has quickly because an important part of my life. Oh, and the kicker? From the very start? If I hadn't quit my job so many years ago I wouldn't live here, in an area where this important woman was thinking was an area she would live in or live nearby. You call it what you will, but I'm not calling it luck. I'm calling it destiny.

As I said before, I don't know what will come of me and this woman. Perhaps she is only supposed to be one more point in all these other connecting ones that is supposed to lead me to where I'm supposed to go to find the woman I'm supposed to be with. Is she another point, is she the last point. I don't know. I'm just going to enjoy being at this point while I'm here.

How does all this tie into Jamal's life? He experienced so many things in his life that gave him answers to questions that could have brought him wealth. What they ended up doing though was they ended up bringing him his destiny. Money is nice, but love is what makes life worth living.

You may believe all this is merely my brain giving meaning to meaningless things and circumstances, but I believe all these things will allow me to find that thing that does make life worth living. Then it's my job to hold on though. It may be destiny. It may be written. But I will always do my best to hold that prize if I find it.

Yes, I will be writing more like this more often publicly. The rants are nice, and they will still occur. However, the more important things in life have yet to come. I have spent much of my life living for others. I will continue to endeavor to stay aware of current events (you must be educated on these things). Now though, I will look for my happiness more. I am happy with what I've given to my communities and my world, and I will continue to give, I know that. This is my time now though. Statistically speaking I'm half-way to dead. I'm taking that last half and living a life worth living and loving, and finding that woman that's going to make it that much more meaningful.

So, if you don't wanna read personal philosophy you probably shouldn't visit anymore because it's going to be interjected out here now that then. As always though, I believe my thoughts are mine and yours should be yours.

I will say though that I do believe you need to find what makes you happy.

I'm getting closer to that. How about you?

...an end

Private post to follow

Don't ask me why. I just felt like doing it.
---------------------------------

‘TIS THE SEASON

‘Tis the season again
It’s that time of year
When we feel joy
Rather than fear

The “season” has changed
It’s been taken from us
We focus on spending
We’re told that we must

From kids in costumes
To Christ and Claus tales
Thanksgiving means nothing
It’s now “the day before sales”

“I’m losing my home!”
So many folks raved
We kind of got help
Big business was saved

CEOs get their bonus
With but light demand
We’ll pay for those too
We don’t need “our” land

We picked a new leader
And “Hope” won the vote
Now while we wait
Some go for the throat

“I wanted MY change
Not that of the others
Don’t care about them
They aren’t my brothers”

He asked us to stand
Stand hand in hand
A few disliked picks
And it’s, “Obama be damned”

This is what we do
We abandon our hope
We curse and we blame
We drink and we dope

Of course, who can blame us?
Simpler to be rude
Good Samaritans in Cali
Now can get sued

How far we have fallen
How far we have sunk
Our good will is tainted
It sits in a funk

Still, I am hopeful
First time in years
A reason to smile
Cry joyous tears

I cannot be certain
Of what lies ahead
But I’m happy to know
My heart is not dead

Is this the point?
Is this the reason?
For me to find hope
This EXACT season?

Is this simply a fuel
For me to keep going?
To show me how others
Move forth without knowing?

Such fear of loss
No certain gain
My hope makes it worth it
I’ll take on the pain

Of distance and time
Of no certain end
These things I must bear
So a heart can mend

Of seasons and hope
Are where my mind lies
I ask all of you
To think of your ties

The ones that bind you
And make you feel heavy
Break through those bonds
Push through that levee

Hold on to the good ones
That give you a shove
Towards a happier life
Towards peace and towards love

I hold on to my hope
And do pray for more
My challenge to you:
Seek a world you adore

If I do and you do
And each can be “right”
We’ll make this world great
Yes, we just might