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MUNDANE DISTRACTIONS
The Road Ahead 
1st-Sep-2006 01:05 am
I'm breaking my main rule big time here. I'll rant about something for society later (I do have something in mind). I just feel the urge to put this out here and I don't know why. Maybe it's to make it "real."

I think that for everyone there comes a point in their life when they look at what they hoped for and they compare it to what they have. I don't mean simple wishes, I mean the things that each of see as the "meat" of what we want in our lives. Family, friends, romance, career, job, marriage, children. All, none, some combination of those...I think there is a time when we really wonder what we have and what we truly can achieve. I think I'm there now.

So clever
Whatever
I'm done with these endeavors
Alone I walk the winding way
(Here I stay)

No, this isn't a "midlife crisis." I have no desire to make any kind of radical change to my life and those who know me know that I regularly evaluate myself on a number of levels.

Right now I am simply wondering why it is that I am shooting for the target that I am, which is trying to find a job helping my community. I've dealt with quite a number of situations over the last many months and learned many things I'm not sure I "should" know. The end results of all of this being that I have lost much faith in the social service community and I have lost respect for nearly everyone I looked to as a mentor in that field.

It's over
No longer
I feel it growing stronger
I live to die another day
Until I fade away

I pulled back the curtain in front of the wizard and found he was more interested in benefiting his ego and pocketbook. I no longer blindly accept the faces I see in the world of those who portray themselves as individuals who put the community before themselves. I see now that the reality seems to be much uglier.

Yet, while I seem to have lost much of my passion for what I was looking to do I still stand here looking out wondering what I can do. I guess the part of me that understands that there is so much more to this world than "me" is trying to get me to focus on something in particular. I still can't see what it is, but I'm slowly trudging forward, looking at the horizon waiting for something to break across it.

Why give up?
Why give in?
It's not enough
It never is
So I will go on until the end

Maybe that's it. The concept of potential. That is something that I have never dealt with well regarding myself. Most times I have been confronted by individuals who see potential in me I shy away from it. I am something greater than myself, I know that. I don't know how I know that, and I don't know what it means...but I know it. Maybe it's the idea that working on society is something you can always do. There is never enough you can do because even after working on one thing there is something else that can be found to do. It doesn't need to be major, but it could still be something that creates a beacon of focus or light for others. But that's what it has to be about, others. Not you, your pocket book or your ego...others.

We've become desolate
It's not enough
It never is
So I will go on until the end

Is that what's happening? Am I seeing and feeling the desolation and abandonment of others? I haven't been watching the news like I used to, so I figured that I would mostly disconnect from that kind of thing, but maybe it isn't as easy as I thought. I know the pieces of what I feel that are mine and what aren't, but they are connected in a way that I can't figure out. I guess that's why I'm still moving forward...trying to understand it all more.

I've lost my way
I've lost my way
But I will go on until the end

It's funny to think about how much I used to fear the unknown when I was younger. Everything had to break down into something understandable. An algebraic formula, a logic puzzle...it all had to have a solution. Now I understand that there is more in this world that I don't know than I do. Sure sometimes people may think I act like a "know it all" but I do know that when it comes down to it...I really don't know much, but I'm OK with that now. For me it's not about the end point anymore, it's about the journey. Being lost can be good if you've got the tools to survive. I guess in that case, you're not really lost...you're actually exploring off the beaten path. No fear of not finding your way out, no desire to be "found", just spending time with yourself looking around to see what is around that next turn and being at least a little excited about it.

The final fight I'll win
The final fight I'll win
The final fight I'll win
I will go on until the end

Is that what it is? Finding a way to make it until the end and winning the final fight that I'll have? That really could be the key. I guess the humor in that is my understanding of how most people would see that comment, which of course would be that for me to win others must lose. That isn't how I see it when it comes to community and society though. My success and my wins can have the capacity to benefit others, not just those I care about but even those I've never met.

I guess I will keep going forward. I do believe that is what you do with every sliver of enlightenment you get. You pick it up and keep moving forward, to stop when you found it would keep you from having the opportunity to use it for, and share it with, others.

And on I go.

Thanks for the support of reading.
Contemplative
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