Been dealing (not dealing?) with a bit of heavier stuff this week.
The second thing was expected. Actually, it was expected quite a long time ago, and that was the passing of someone who I used to take care of a bit over a year ago. Again, not a big surprise. However, when you make a call to someone who is working their way through their final few hours of life, it gets a bit weird. Plus, there is the idea that in times like that you find you really don't know what to say. In my mind this person was expected to pass a long time ago, and while I was aware they had some new problems that popped up recently my mind still had their current status spun up as the last time I saw them (cognitive ability). Not the case, and you really find yourself at a loss for words at times like that. As I said thought, that was the second one. It was the first one that hit me a bit harder.
I work with people going through recovery now. In the past I could always propel forward in what I did as I worked with youth and felt as though I was trying to offer them things to make their future what they wanted to make of (with a positive spin I would hope). Now, I'm working with adults and for some of them another bad choice...could mean quite a bit of loss. None of this rests on my shoulders. I don't even believe it does. Still, to know that someone I was working with recently that was trying to pull their life back together is no longer here...it's sad and frustrating.
The cause is unknown (natural or otherwise), but that isn't the point in why my mind is mulling their passing over. It's the idea of how people (all of us) can get caught up in things that pull us away from really living, and then we must take the time to fix all those things we believed did so. Again, I'm not saying that's the case of the person who passed, it's where MY mind is for ME.
How much time do I use up trying to make "right" the things I've done "wrong." As of late I don't think I do much of that as a lot of my "wrong" is behind me. Even then it's not much other than making what I see now as mistakes in trust belief in others. Nothing to dwell on, and I've done my bit to set things right for what I believe I've done.
Still, I know I don't want to be sitting around someday with all those "should"s "could"s and "would"s. I'm trying to move my life forward but it's really difficult when it seems like the only person you can turn to is yourself. I know my friends are out there. I know they're supportive of me. But they aren't HERE. You know how concerned I get sometimes when I'm in the kitchen holding a knife and a part of my mind says, "Be careful with that thing. If you cut yourself there is nobody here to help you." I know that's not COMPLETELY correct. I know it's my mind saying that there isn't anybody here in the capacity I prefer. There is a difference and I understand it.
I do wonder sometimes how long it's going to take me to get off my arse and pull my life into more of a fulfilling thing. Online gaming is a method of keeping me sane, but it's not a life. Well, it's not for me anyway. My games, my comics, my movies, my toys....they're all methods to reflect what I have fun with in my life, but they aren't the things that define what makes my life "worth" anything or give it true "value."
I think what I'm trying to distract myself from now is the old belief that death happens in threes. In the past week two have happened. I'm wondering if there will be a third or not. I'm not a big believe in superstition (Friday the 13th is my lucky day) but I have noticed some odd consistency to the universe over the years and the death in threes has worked. Of course it has been in the arena of having been within my area of awareness, not necessarily people I know or knew. Perhaps it's just a bit like hearing the same song on the radio. It's not that they're necessarily playing it more, maybe it's just that you're hyper-aware as far as that song goes.
I guess I can't just look to the side as far as what this week's occurences has stirred up in me though. With what I'm shooting for in my life now to give it some true personal meaning is a long ways off and that is frustrating as hell.