Since returning from Comic Con I've done a whole lot of thinking. Last weekend I wrote two of the toughest emails I've had to write in a VERY long time. Still, they were necessary in order for me to be where I am today, which is feeling better about life. The strange thing is that this week I found myself thinking of something that happened to me nearly 30 years ago.
When I was in kindergarten my school would put little buses on all the students before they left for the day. That is, they did it for the first few days of school. They were nice little paper buses. I think they were made of construction paper. On each of the buses was the number of the bus we were supposed to ride at the end of the day. I don't remember if my name was on it, but I do remember the number of the bus was on it and I remember getting one each day we received one. The thing is, I really didn't need one. I knew what bus I was supposed to ride to my babysitter's house and to my house. Yet, something interesting happened the first day when we didn't get our little bus.
On the day we didn't get our little bus for the first time...I didn't get on the bus. As the buses slowly started to move forward I remember the teacher's aide/assistant coming over to me and asking me why I was still standing there. I can still hear my own voice in my head saying, "I didn't get my bus." For some reason I thought that without a bus I wasn't supposed to get on one, at least in the eyes of the school. I knew where I was supposed to go that day, I just didn't get on the bus because I didn't have my little paper bus on my chest. I know I knew what bus I was supposed to ride because I told the aide where I was supposed to go that day and what bus I was supposed to ride. When I told her she immediately grabbed my hand and ran me to my bus. It hadn't gotten too far (a long line of buses going into traffic doesn't move that fast) so we were able to catch up to it. I got on my bus and got to my destination. I don't remember anymore where I was supposed to go but I know I got there as my memory for that day only holds the situation I described.
That's where I feel like I have been for the past year and a half here. I didn't get my bus. This time though...no aide. I've stood here. Waiting. Forgetting that it's 30 years later now and it's my responsibility to get on my bus myself. Nobody is going to tell me where to go, nobody is going to give me permission to say it's OK that I go. The other part of all of this though is that I don't know where my destination is. Even if I did have an aide, I wouldn't know what to tell them.
That's why I wrote my emails last weekend. I have to start looking more at my life here. I need to start applying more energy towards creating a life here. I have a better idea of what I want now. I want to be more social. I want to find a way to go skiing this winter if possible. I have so many things I could be doing here. I could be rafting, hiking, skiing, camping...and if I want to spend the time money and energy...surfing. Most importantly I want to do these things with others. It's going to take a lot of work and a lot of energy, but I know I can do it if I apply myself. One big thing though is that I have to stop wishing for what I had back home. This isn't home, I can't have it. I can create something like it, but I have to actually start. The other big thing is that I have to stop worrying about having my future "now". Through one of my emails I may have ended the chance I had at a future I imagined, but without working on my life here now there was never a certainty I could have brought that future into reality anyway. Applying myself here will let me see what really is possible. That doesn't mean I shouldn't dream beyond what seems possible...but I shouldn't go beyond what seems probable. As my possibilities change and alter things that seem to be just beyond that horizon of probably may shift into focus as possible.
Another thing I realized on my way back from San Diego is that I like flying. I like traveling. I want to do more. As with the other things I mentioned though, I don't wanna do it by myself. Where is the fun in that?
Guess I'll start making my own bus. I'm thinking I'll need a few. Anybody else need one?