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11th-Oct-2008 08:53 pm
While the program that I'm a part of teaches that anger is one of four basic emotions (the others being fear, sadness and desire) I sometimes think that anger is the one that people understand the least. Even with all that I have learned about anger (as we teach it) a lot of it still escapes me. In my mind it is still the "perfect" nuclear reaction. It creates maximum power with minimum fuel and minimum waste, with the waste it does produce being very dangerous.

I don't deal well with anger. I never have. My problem when I was younger was that I would contain it and then blow up at the wrong person. Please know this doesn't mean I think that blowing up at the "right" person is acceptable either. The key, as I see it now, is realizing when I have a significant level of anger and dealing with it in a more focused, aware and "positive" fashion.

With that current goal/mindset I find that I don't deal well with the anger of others as well. Well, what I perceive as a high level of anger, or more appropriately the time when anger becomes aggression (yes, I do separate the two).

I know that I've been angry lately. I get that way sometimes. I look at my life and I get pissed. I get angry that I'm by myself and without friends. I get angry that I am single and that women judge me negatively for insignificant things (comics, toys, etc.). I get angry that environments I enjoy get disrupted by what I perceive as people looking only to garner benefits to themselves. I know I get angry and I do my best to work through it. Luckily my awareness is now at a point where I see the signs of my anger. One being that I try to reside mostly in my PFC (prefrontal cortex) and use avoidance to get away from my anger. Still one of the signs I've learned to take note of is that my vocabulary changes. When I'm on a rant, I'm safe. I'm venting and getting it out. When I'm overly logical (or more importantly try to be) THEN I'm in trouble.

I've noticed I've been getting that way a bit more lately. I seem to be carrying a grudge against god almost. Which of course isn't fair as my belief system is that at best god provides me with opportunities. The choices I make are mine. Looking at that my real problem is that I'm not being given the opportunities I want...or worse, I think I "deserve". That's just not fair, to me or god. I'm selling both of us short on that one.

Still, right now I can at least say that I'm trying to deal with it. I'm aware of it and I'm working with it. I'm angry, but I am not yet aggressive. I wish the same could be said for others.

In the past week I've been flat out frightened by what I'm seeing at McCain and Palin rallies. The anger is appalling. I guess Obama was wrong about one thing. Scared people don't just cling to guns and religion when they're scared. They also cling to spin and false information.

The words "traitor" and "terrorist", have been spoken in regards to Obama a rallies for McCain and Palin. Supposedly the phrase "kill him" was also shouted but there is uncertainty if it was made in reference to Obama, which of course makes it OK. Most political rallies in the US are open forum for people to shout for the killing of individuals, right?

See, now while I don't hold McCain or Palin responsible for the phrases these people shout at their rallies, I do hold them responsible for their silence and lack of condemnation AT THAT MOMENT. McCain seems to be trying to make a bit of a fix (like taking a mic away from a woman who said Obama was an "Arab"). Still, in my mind it's too little too late. They fanned the flames of anger and fear and they're getting exactly what they wanted at first, but now it's going beyond their control. Some believe it's spilling into lower-tier elections. Unfortunate.

I still don't know if this is going to be an election where I vote "for" someone. It may be like all the others I've voted in during the past, voting "against" someone being my goal.

It's so damn sad. I really used to like McCain, a lot. But when he can't, or better yet WON'T, stop the kind of crap that is happening at his rallies...when he won't denounce the blind anger and fear people are using against Obama...it's damn sad. Go to sites for "conservative" and "republican" organizations/individuals/pundits and see some of the stuff people are saying in relation to this situation. It's scary. VERY scary. The rationalizations these people are making to say the use of the words "terrorist", "traitor" and "kill him" are OK...my god. Is this what we've become? Has McCain really become such a shell of his former self?

Even with knowing my capability for anger...having seen it...I don't think I could ever say the things these people say in a such a fashion.

We are sick. As a nation WE ARE SICK. Nobody can save us but ourselves, and sometimes I don't know if we have what it takes to do it.

The good I can draw from this is that I see exactly what I fear I could become under the wrong circumstances and I will fight THAT result with everything I have in me.
Blair Witch - Heather Scared
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