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Deck the halls...or your significant other 
16th-Dec-2005 07:24 pm
So it's that time of year again.

You know, when you go to the stores to celebrate the true meaning of the holiday season (whichever you celebrate) and deal out a little smack down to the other patron in the store that is attempting to get the last item in the store that they didn't realize was yours (even though they've already got it in their hands). Just be careful of the older folks. My roommate says they fight dirty.

If you watch Family Guy then you know it's true because one year an older woman gave Peter a "titty twister" and sicked a bunch of fish on him just to get the last pair of berets in the mall. It would have to be the mall in general since Peter chased her all over the place and nobody from any store or kiosk they started in by came running after them when they took off without paying...but anyway. I'm just saying it's the one time of the year where you're supposed to care enough about someone else enough to really emulate the ideals of J.C., and by J.C. I mean Jumbo Capitalism. Are we following those ideals? I think so, but we can do better. I mean, you've seen how joyous people get after their favorite teams win major games, right? If the cops aren't getting involved in breaking up the display of holiday spirit then I think folks are holding back.

But on to the actual point here. Commercials that make me lose faith in the human race just a little more. There are two in particular that drive me batty.

The first one is from the "A Diamond is Forever" folks. I guess there was a first part a while back with the husband getting stuck at an airport and then suddenly dashing to who knows where. The "finale" of his journey is that somehow he is able to commandeer a snowplow to get him to his driveway (which was probably shoveled at some point during the day and doesn't look bad...so how did the roads get so bad again?). The purpose, to be with his wife. Well, actually to be with his wife so he could give her diamonds.

He shows up, and gets a big hug. He shows her the diamonds and gets a bigger hug. What the heck? OK, someone here is a tool. Either this guy thinks his wife is SO shallow that he has to show her the diamonds as soon as he shows up after braving the elements (and getting assistance from others I'd guess) or worse yet she IS so shallow that he has to do that before he's allowed to go inside the house, much less get a nice hot chocolate or strong cup of eggnog. Yes, it really brings a tear to my eye...caused by the pain of realization that some dolt out there is probably believing this crap.

The moral? As the commercial says, "A Diamond is Forever." What they infer, a woman has a memory/emotional attachment equivalent to the lifespan of a gastrotich so make sure you're getting her new rocks regularly (or at least every December).

The second commercial (or sets) are from Lexus (my roommate loves these ones too). I'm sure you've seen them. It's a commercial where one spouse is surprising the other with a brand new car! There is a problem with this though. Now, I've never been married (some guys play hard to get, I play hard to want) so I'm just guessing on some possible ways such a scenario could happen. This is what they are:

1. You just "purchased" this car from an account that you and your spouse share which means that: a) you just tapped about a huge chunk of money to pay for the whole thing at once (haha..I know...just had to say it though) or b) what you just really gave your spouse, you, and your whole family is DEBT. Wow, can you feel the warm fuzzies? Actually that's probably the hot chocolate your spouse just threw on you seeping through your clothes.

2. You had a "secret" account your spouse didn't know about to keep all this money in until you bought them the car. This means a) similar to 'b' of the first scenario if you only saved up enough to pay a portion of the total price, or b) you just revealed to your spouse that you have SECRET ACCOUNT. If you didn't close that sucker out completely when you bought the car get ready to sleep on the couch, have your spouse regularly check your pay stubs, or both, once their sense of reality comes back. I mean, really...what does doing such a thing say? "Honey, you're so horrible in tracking money that you didn't even notice all of my pay wasn't going into our account. Merry Christmas, you're a tool!" Doesn't it just make you feel all warm inside?

Just remember everyone, it's the thoughts that count. Just make sure you're thinking "expensive gift."
17th-Dec-2005 10:34 pm (UTC) - missed segments
I think the missing segments of that diamond commercial series probably has the guy hijacking a Hummer from some yuppie, then drives to his home city and to the mall. He uses a stolen credit card (left by the yuppie in Hummer) to buy the necklace. Exits the mall, uses his skills he picked up while gun running a decade ago (which she doesn't know that's how he made most of his money) to jump start and steal the snowplow, which he uses to drive to the house.
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